I feel so… Unambitious. Lazy. Sad.
What’s up with me nowadays? There’s just so many voices in my head! “Should’s” mask my reality, and I just feel like my life is slipping away. It’s depressing. From the outside, it might just seem like I have it all together, but on the inside is this turmoil that I can’t seem to shut down or control.
- I crave romance, but I tell myself that I can’t love someone until I love myself first. That entails me having to ‘fix’ my body in order to feel confident enough. Paradox: I feel like I’m not supposed to change my body for a guy, and I feel like I have some deep soul searching to do on the inside before I can even lose all the weight… And this is a vicious cycle that has gone on for about 5 years.
- I’m constantly in this state of stress and self-loathing. I’m in college on a scholarship and my rent is paid for; I’m not struggling financially, but I feel like I peaked at the age of 19. I tell myself that I should be appreciative of what I do have, but the paradox is that even when I feel #blessed, I can’t help but worry that this is the best it’s gonna get. My college experience is just going to consist of me going to class, getting random s**t done on my checklist, stuDYING, and mourning my lack of friends.
- I know that there are people who are willing to hang out with me and who consider me their friends, but I just can’t reach out to them. Paradox: I have their phone numbers, they probably have my new one. Nothing is getting in the way except for myself. But, gosh! Couldn’t they text ME first for once?
Reading this draft of a post months later, I realize how… invalidating I was towards my feelings and opinions. These sentiments listed above are REAL. That’s just the way it is. No more, “should’s” or, “shouldn’t’s.” In CBT, I’ve been learning to work with my feelings. Instead of forcibly trying to push away uncomfortable thoughts, I instead must sit with the feelings and just… breathe. Think about what lead me to those thoughts. Rationalize. And forgive myself. Because I’m only human.